Ring Ring, it's opportunity calling

 Easter came and went, I must say I miss it already.  What I don't miss is monday mornings...and I especially don't miss you in the cube next to me calling all your "homies" and giggling as you recount and replay every moment from your weekend.

I couldn't keep you from calling out, but I could tie up your phone line so you couldn't use it any more.  I found some pictures of inflatable easter bunnies and posted this craigslist ad..and I listed your phone number.  Almost immediately after I loaded it your phone began to ring. 

I'm still not interested in your TripIt updates on LinkedIn

I don't care how many miles you've travelled or what city you're going to be in.  What's really starting to piss me off is when you say things like:

* "Another week in the iron bird!"
* "Back on the skyhorse again this morning. RDU-DET-SFO for a big week at !@#!@#!@"
* "Literally riding high in the sky ATL-RDU after finishing the quarter in big fashion. Rock the Clouds!! "

Are you looking for some sort of recognition for doing something that almost anyone can do and everyone has done? 

Maybe you should start posting things like:
*  "Ate lunch at a restaurant today, another cobb salad and that makes 3 lean green meals this week!!!"
* "Dropped some serious wolf bait on the smasher and used the handicap stall!  So much room in there!  Kaaaa Ching!"
* "Spent 3 hours on the Tin Can talking up a storm, need a glass of H2O!!!"

You're a grown man, stop texting me

Here's the deal assclown, if you're over 18 and or you have a job making more than $5 an hour you probably shouldn't have an extensive working vocabulary of things like:  LOL LMAO BFF OMG and IASU (I'm a sneaky uncle).

Got an idea or a work related thought?  Send me an email or pickup the fucking phone and call me.  Everytime I get a text message from  you I throw up a little in my mouth.

I found a use for your LinkedIn profile picture

I really hate how you keep updating your LinkedIn profile picture.  When you posted the most recent photo where you seemed to be uber-cool it really pissed me off.  Do you really think more people will be interested in your profile if you put a shitty mug shot of yourself up there? As I was using the facilities, it came to me.  If i could find a way to urinate on your photo...and get others to do it, how funny would that be.

I searched and found this customizable urinal cake kit.  I simply put your photo in the middle, and plopped it into the urinal on the 3rd floor mens room.  The great thing is that since so many people have pee'd on it, noone wants to remove it.  There was actually a line out the door this afternoon.

It's not your TV..it's mine!

Recently I purchased the Super Mini TV Universal remote for a meager $2.17.  I must tell you, for the value this thing is off the charts.  What's so great about this device? You can control ANY TV...channel and volume.

Simply drop the battery into it, slip it into your pocket and you're in business.  If you within 15 feet of any television (your house, the bar, your neighbors) simply depress the mute button for 30 seconds.  The TV will show mute and you've got control.

Kids try and watch Spongebob BAM, not today ankle biters.  Wife wants to watch HGTV...POW, not today sweetie.  At the bar and some assclown yankee's fan want to watch the evil empire?  WHAMMO... not today.  At your neighbor's house listening to them brag about their $4000 new plasma  SHAZZAM ...watch him go apeshit as you change the channels and volumes and he's watching static...it's orgasmic. 

Take back the power and put it where it belongs, ruin someone's TV experience or just enhance yours.

Why are you in the vegatable aisle at walmart?

Hello there fellow late night walmart patron.  I have many questions for you. Did you steal the drapes from a motel and make that wonderful shirt?  Does it have an apron or something on the front?  Are you a man or a woman? Is your name Terry/Pat/Chris? Is that lex luthor you're meeting with?  Is he going to let you join the legion of doom? You look like you don't miss too many meals, why are in the in the vegatable aisle at walmart?  Aren't the frozen pastries one aisle over?  Note to self:  no more late night walmart trips when you are hungry and angry.

The Elevapor - A dutch oven in motion.

Have you ever stepped into an elevator, only to find it filled with noxious human flatulence? Someone just dropped wolf bait in an enclosed space and there's no hiding from it. You've just encountered an ELEVAPOR.

An elevapor is a fart that has been released into an elevator. It's close cousin is the DUTCH OVEN, except that you put it in motion and take it to the next level.  The Elevaporist then moves out of the elevator and sends the silent, invisible treat on it's way to find a victim. The elite elevaporist tries to find an intended victim and will drop an elevapor and then send it to a specific floor. Once I worked in a building that had a glass elevator in the atrium, it went up 4 floors. A few of us would enjoy eating lunch in the atrium and firing off elevapors because we could see the faces of the targets.

An Elevapor can generate several outcomes, the best is when an unexpected victim gets on..a person that has to ride the elevator. They have no choice, they're trying to fight out the smell...and then it stops on another floor and someone else gets one. Now the first rider is clearly to blame for the smell. They can't deny it (too obvious) so they try to ignore it.

Be careful, getting caught dropping an elevapor is not something you want. It's a fine art to hold the elevapor until the last right second, walking out as the doors are closing, making sure no one is around, then ripping it. Also, some Elevaporist have been know to have sharted.

It's possible to simulate an elevapor using LIQUID ASS.  It's a good product for the beginning elevaporist.